the hard way

I don't know what it is about my life, but I seem to always do things the hard way.  I like challenge and I guess that has just translated into all areas of my life.  Having cancer is seemingly no different.  Here are the ways I have made having cancer more difficult than it has to be:

1)  3 hours after the diagnosis I hop on a plane to Madison, WI.  This in and of itself, not so difficult. Being away from family during the holidays after a cancer diagnosis...somewhat difficult.  The really difficulty is that it messes with my finances a bit.  So, I am on a county indigent health care program called the Blue Card thru UMC.  Since I'm a college student and work part time, I don't have health/life insurance.  Well this Blue Card is something that must be renewed every 3 months, as you have to prove that you are still poor enough to need their help.  So my Blue Card expires today 12/31/2010.  I was supposed to renew it on the 23rd of December, but as you know, I was in Madison, WI.  So I couldn't make that appointment, I had to reschedule a "walk in" appt on January 10th.  Well, when do you think the oncologist wants to meet with me?  Jan. 10th at 8 am.  Crimeny.  So I'll probably have to postpone meeting with the oncologist until I'm certain that I'm reapproved for the Blue Card.
  1b)  The Blue Card office has started a new program that if you do not pay your copay's, the next time you want to renew, you'll be denied if you owe a balance.  Guess what...I owe a balance.  I had a couple of ER visits that I didn't pay for at the time of service.  So I owe $40 straight out, but have a couple that were sent to collections that total $150 or something. 
  1c) I'm overdrawn.  My job had a clerical error about a month ago that ended up in me being overdrawn.  I'm waiting patiently until that gets cleared up.  So I have no money to pay UMC so that I can be reinstated.  Unless my financial aide for this semester comes in before the 10th.  Come on money...no whammies. 

The summary to my first point is that I need my student loans, or God's miraculous provision of about $500, to be able to pay off old bills and get me out of being overdrawn, get reinstated on my blue card, meet with the oncologist, and have him tell me when he wants to dissect me.  Great.  No problem.

2)  What if I don't want a hysterectomy?  What if I want to do chemo instead of having surgery?  What if I indeed want to make this difficult on everyone else because I don't just want to do exactly what a dr tells me to do?  Of course it's not out of pure stubbornness but at the same time, people don't understand that it's my f**ing body.  They are so riddled with fear about this issue.  It's my body, my journey with God, my faith.  Everyone else doesn't really get an opinion, unless I ask for it.  Is that mean? 

3) Really more like a 2a)  I'm still trying to discern if I should be tenacious and fight for the ability to have kids as my destiny even if it means killing me.  It just sounds absurd.  But when God plants a dream inside your heart how hard to do you fight for it?  Yes there's adoption, and spiritual motherhood.  blah, blah, blah.  If God promises something, and it doesn't look like it's going to come people tend to make other plans (ie Abraham hooking up with Hagar instead of waiting on God to impregnate Sarah).  This is not a time for Ishamel's to be created in my life. 

So I guess that's it.  Yeah me.  Nothing simple.  The hard way.  Yep.  Great.