Well, it looks like I"m cycling through emotions on schedule. I've been incredibly angry the last couple of days. It's partly just an emotional reaction to the idea of cancer and a hysterectomy, but it's also the hormones they gave me before I came to Wisconsin. All the ladies should understand that there are days when you just want to rip the head off of small animals because of the evil hormones running through your body. That's kind of what I've been feeling the last two days. Bitch alert! Wowzers. Nothing is good enough, people piss me off in radical ways. Good times.
Specifically I am pissed that everyone seems to be so content with me having a hysterectomy as the cure. That's some serious BS. I have wanted kids my whole life, and it seems like most people are not pressing in and asking God to heal me miraculously. They are just content to let my babies be stolen from me. There is a lie that is being told to me in this process too, which is that "adoption is a consolation prize." It's not true. Children anywhere are special and I've always wanted to adopt. I've always wanted to have a multi-ethnic house, and a doorbell that plays "It's a small world". So I can still have that. And I know that I'll be incredibly happy and content. But Satan lies....and he's lying to me know about adoption.
So yes, I'm angry. I'm angry that all my dreams seem like they were in vain. I don't know how to deal with God on this. I don't know him well enough. I don't trust Him. I don't trust his intentions are for good and not for evil. I know he's not malicious, because he provides a way out.
I'm angry because I am paralyzed financially. I don't know how to survive if I'm not in school and taking out student loans. I can't imagine working full time while I have cancer. I'm scared because I don't have life insurance. I'm stressed that all the paperwork for the county indigent program I use for health care won't be approved this time for some strange reason. I fear that God would ask me to trust him financially.
God's timing is not the same as man's. He is our provider but doesn't always, just like he is our healer but doesn't always. I don't know how to follow him that way. I've tried. I never know when it's my responsibility and when it's his. If you feel like God is taking you on a journey of faith, but the bills aren't getting paid, what does that mean? I don't think it means that God failed and I also don't necessarily think that people failed. It's just another conundrum of faith for me. We expect God to make our circumstances on this earth make sense and they never do. Sometimes I don't understand why we believe in God at all. I feel like the Western church has failed us and tricked us into believing that the purpose of God is to have an effect on our lives. I feel like most of the time it has nothing to do with our life on this earth. Like God could care less about what happens on this earth, and instead faith is more about us being pulled out of the muck and mire of this earth and being set in higher places. Those words sound so new agey.
But as I think about all those things, I think about the Lord's Prayer. Your kingdom come...your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven....
How Jesus? How? How do we do it? I need your help to understand this concept. Give me wisdom Jesus.
Well...leave it up to me to finally post a comment during the time your highly pissed. ;-) I've actually avoided leaving a comment on the past posts cause I didn't want to tick you off. But you know...I'm either your easy anger scapegoat...OR your comic relief...depending on the day...so I thought now is a good as time as any. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBut in all true non-argument seriousness...I, am NOT ok with the hysterectomy cure and have been praying for complete and miraculous healing...with all organs intact. I know the deep longing in your heart regarding children...and I have gotten teary every time I've thought about the aspect of that loss for you. And so I, for one, am praying for a miracle...not a settling.
Now....for the argument part. ;-)
I have a lot of the same questions as you...and unfortunately, no answers. BUT...I do *know* this... Our emotions do not dictate who God is. Our circumstances do not dictate who God is. God's character is unchanging. And one of His names (and characteristics) is The God that Heals. (technically, in the Hebrew- The God Who Mends By Stitching) THEREFORE...it is ALWAYS...AL-WAYS the will of God to heal...completely.
And to answer the question that follows as to why healing doesn't always happen, the answer is this...There is an enemy...and there is free will. And that combination sucks. And there are lots of reasons that it doesn't always happen.
BUT...to join in with the heart of God...to pray HIS perfect will into your life...is to ALWAYS pray for complete and total healing.
And that, my dear friend, is exactly what I'm doing.
Love you.
I agree Jenn. Never said it wasn't his will to heal. Just don't know how that healing will come: death, miraculous, hysterectomy, etc. Jesus let Lazarus die, to raise him from the dead. He passed by crowds of people who no doubt needed healing but if the Father wasn't doing it, neither did Jesus. The reason healing doesn't happen is not just Satan and free will, sometimes it's God. Comments like that breed guilt and shame throughout the church and make people want to leave, which is the thing you hate the most right now. So yes, absolutely ALWAYS pray for complete and total healing...and maybe ask God how that is going to be manifest, and if there's something more important than my shell being restored. This body is temporal....There are souls that are eternal that are watching waiting to see what God does and how i handle this. I'm quite convinced there are bigger things going on than what can be seen with our eyes.
ReplyDeleteTwo years later Jenn, and I still don't know that it's always his goal to heal, at least not the way we interpret it. It must look differently than what we know.
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