Self hatred and disappointment

These are the two main ingredients in a recipe for misery.  I have lived with them daily for years.  I just had lunch with my dear friend Wendy Andrews, and shared with her my journey and particularly the journey that has been revealed through this cancer diagnosis.  So much of the emotions going on in my heart right now revolve around self hatred and disappointment.

I think back to high school and then days when life was just beginning and what you dreamed life would look like.  I dreamed of being a wife, motherhood, traveling the nations as a prophetic intercessor/missionary/teacher.  I thought to myself by the time I am 35, I will be thin, married with at least 5 kiddos, teaching in YWAM (a missions school) traveling the nations, national platform as a brilliant speaker/teacher.  Dreams of grandeur to the Nth degree.  I was made to rock the world, but I'm just boring Jill.  I know that the people in my life don't see me that way...boring, but that is definitely the lens I have looked through for the last 20 years.  As each marker of life passed and I wasn't married, with child, in another nation, or on a public stage, new levels of disappointment were planted in my heart.  I have felt more and more worthless, useless, and just plain pointless with each passing year.

So then, as a cancer diagnosis is given, and a hysterectomy is prescribed, and the potential loss of biological motherhood is gone, I am grieved and hate myself all the more.  I honestly think about having men approach me in the future, and I think why would they want to marry me if I can't have kids.  I see no value in myself.

I am fully aware that this is brokenness in my heart that God needs to heal.  Maybe as this spiritual/emotional poison is drained from my system, then the physical healing will accompany it.

I started to read the first book I have mentioned here.  There are some great parts, but I never get very far.  I've never read the second but hear it's great.

I want God to heal this self hatred and disappointment in my heart.  I want to see myself the way God sees me.  I want to believe in his unconditional love in my heart and not just my head.  I need God's revelation to bring this healing.  I don't think people talking will help.  It needs to be God the surgeon dealing with my heart.  Will you join me in praying that God will heal my heart and that I will trust him in the journey.