If it weren't for bad luck......

I really don't know what to say.  I feel like the truly amazing grace I was feeling the first few weeks of this diagnosis left as soon as the doctor told me there is no hope to save my uterus.  I feel like it's super hard to look to the future and have any sense of hope or dreams for what life could look like.  I don't want to dream of adopting children.  I feel like I'm being punished/sentenced/damned to a life of perpetual singleness and barrenness.  I know this is NOT what God says about me and my life, but it's what it feels like.  It's what I have the capacity to see at the moment.  I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I feel alone.  I want to talk and yet have no words. It is overwhelmingly hopeless.  The vortex of destruction is cycling around me.  I can't see my way out.  It's hard to hear/listen to what God has to say when you're in the vortex.  It's hard to believe "he has good plans for you."  It's hard to believe.  This is why this is called warfare.  When the proverbial shit hits the fan, you have to be vigilant and steadfast to keep your eyes focused on Jesus (who is the Truth, the Life and the Way).  Being a believer is a militant stance that must be determined each and every day.  I get it.  Sometimes you're just to damned exhausted to get involved.  I desperately long for intimacy and comfort but simultaneously want to hit people.  Being emotional is hard.  Being vulnerable and dependent is hard.  Waiting is hard.  I know why people drink and do drugs.  The temptation to escape is strong.  For some reason it seems quite ideal that I could be in a drunken stupor for the next two-four weeks, then have surgery, and wake up feeling all better.  I'm scared of having surgery.  I hate going to the dentist.  I am seriously considering asking them for Valium or something to calm this anxiety that I'm feeling about surgery.  I hate pain. Speaking of pain...there's the mammogram that I'm having in a couple of days.  Not looking forward to that.  In looking for vision for the future, it's hard to listen to any prophetic voices that know me.  It's like the vision is cloudy.  I'm longing to hear from someone who doesn't know me.  We'll see if that happens.