What does it mean to be a woman?

According to Webster,  a woman is:

–noun

1.  the female human being ( distinguished from man).

2.  an adult female person.

3.  a female attendant to a lady of rank.

4.  a wife.

5.  the nature, characteristics, or feelings often attributed to women; womanliness.

6.  a sweetheart or paramour; mistress.

7.  a female employee or representative: A woman from the real estate agency called.

8.  a female person who cleans house, cooks, etc.; housekeeper: The woman will be in to clean today.

9.  women collectively: Woman is no longer subordinate to man.

 

Female:  

–noun

1.  a person bearing two X chromosomes in the cell nuclei and normally having a vagina, a uterus and ovaries, and developing at puberty a relatively rounded body and enlarged breasts, and retaining a beardless face; a girl or woman.

2.  an organism of the sex or sexual phase that normally produces egg cells.

3  Botany . a pistillate plant.

 

Feminine:

–adjective

1.  pertaining to a woman or girl: feminine beauty; feminine dress.

2.  having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness.

 

So with the prospect of loosing my uterus, ovaries and now who knows maybe even a breast, the thought looms in my mind what does it mean to be a woman?

For years, I have had all these organs and/or appendages (however you want to describe them) and because of being overweight and having a stocky frame, and as of late having a very short haircut, I have not felt feminine at all.  I have high levels of testosterone which makes me excessively hairy.  I just to feel feminine.  I remember the days when I loved wearing makeup and doing my hair.  I've always loved jewelry. 

I have these mental images of the same short, fat me walking around missing one boob and feeling all hollow.  Not a pretty picture.  Talk about needing to get my shit together.  There's this urgency to get my self esteem fixed/healed before this cancer and surgeries get out of control.

When Beth got arrested, Andrea and I talked about the fire/fear of the Lord urging us to "get our shit together".  I told God multiple times, I don't want to go to prison.  Cancer is my prison.  

I don't know how to be a woman.  I don't know how to be weak and soft.  I desperately long for a man to come and hold me and tell me it will be ok.  

What does it mean to be a woman?